What color is your hair?

I think I started putting streaks in my hair when I was 20. I’m 56. That’s 36 years of not knowing what color my own hair is! So, for whatever reason, the impulse moved and I chose to pay attention to it – and I decided it was time for me to know what color my hair really is.

To accomplish this task, I had to learn to just let go. Do nothing. Invite and allow. Take my hands off the ‘project’ and just let it unfold as it will. That turned out to be a very interesting metaphor for my life.

Letting it all go….letting go of my and others' expectations (“What are you doing to your hair?!?!?!”) and the need to stay the same for the comfort of others (“I don’t recognize you anymore…what’s wrong?”) proved to have its moments of discomfort for myself and for others. Add to that so many years of my life being devoted to always ‘looking good’, I found myself wondering: is this a mistake? Should I stop this and go back to looking how I’ve always looked – to the way that it would seem I am expected to look – and resign myself to forever wondering what color my hair is?

I couldn’t do it. I could not stop this process that had begun. Every morning, I would get up and stare at myself in the mirror and wonder…who am I? Who is the ‘real’ me under the surface of who I have become over the years? Do I really know? Does who I really am match who I think I have become? And another day would go by…..

It’s been more than six months since I began this little adventure and I’m happy to say that I now know the color of my own hair….and I love it! It has lots of grey in it…a steely grey that somehow brings me comfort….and the dark blonde color that it nestles into seems to match my face. Go figure…who would have thought that the original design is still a good one!

I am discovering I really like the color of my hair. It’s unfamiliar. It’s not always the same, as the mix changes from one day to the next as more grey appears. I don’t plan it – it just shows up and takes up residency on my head! And I like it. I like its unpredictable nature. I like that it will not always behave. And I like that it’s mine.

What color is your hair? When was the last time you looked? How long has it been since you’ve taken a minute of your day, every day, to just look into your own eyes; to examine your own face…and to wonder: who are you? Does the outside of you match the inside of you? What aspects of you are you 'coloring' and covering up?

I am no longer caught in the habit of doing stuff to my hair. I’m no longer caught in the habit of needing/wanting to look/sound/be a certain way so that I will not experience the discomfort that goes with NOT being that certain way. Every day, I seem to look forward to and wonder who I will emerge to be today. I am coming to relax into knowing that I may not get approval or applause...and it's all ok. It’s not always easy, and it’s always worth it.

My ‘emerging future’ arrives one breath at a time…one sensation at a time…one signal at a time. All I have to do is nothing. Just let go, invite and allow – and it shows up. I’ll let you know if/when I don’t like what I see.

Breathing is good…..