Taking a breath....

I am mindful that it has been a while since I've been here. So much has happened and I have not a clue where to begin.

IWI was an intense and powerful experience. As I took a few days to just live my life, from one day to the next, intensity found me again on Thursday. I've been spending the last four days tending to a family emergency, wondering all the while: what is there for me to learn about myself from this experience? To this moment, discovery eludes me.

My life is about to change immensely. I know that. I even know that what awaits is incredible...and potent...and carries in its belly the possibility of inviting massive change in my world as I know it. And I am also aware that I stand at some kind of major crossroad in my life. It is not just a matter of changing speed - it is one of changing direction.

No doubt, what is currently unfolding in my life is in some way connected. (After all, isn't it all connected?) Likely as a metaphor for what is possible. Nothing is ever really broken - it is only in the process of reforming itself to a higher level of expression. I know this...and I trust this...like I know that my life is mine to shape.

I miss being here and, as I was reading earlier in Lucy's words, my life is moving faster than I can track and translate into words. Nevertheless, I know that it is meaningful for me to be here and I will be back. Preferably, sooner rather than later....

In the meantime, I welcome the Space within which to experience my life; the Movement that comes with knowing the time for change is NOW; and the Flow that awakens me to my own potential and that of all who unfold in my life - regardless of age or state of being.

I remind myself....breathing is good.....

The Next Wave

Today was the last day of Influencing with Intention. This one went further, faster and with greater intensity than any that I've experienced before. This one is testimony to the degree to which people are both willing and able to engage for their own evolution.

There were some incredible moments of compelling discovery and creative thinking. There were many, many moments of raw and jagged truths - the kind that we spend most of our lives moving away from, burying them deeper and deeper in the recesses of our own thoughts, only to discover that they are the very thing that we've been seeking all our lives to open the portal to a better life. Funny how that happens.....

We laughed a lot! Out loud and frequently! Not the polite chuckles and giggles of the sedate classmates but the big, deep belly laughs that show up when people who trust and care about each other gather 'round the table to catch up with each other.

Yesterday was 'story telling' day - the day that each participant has the opportunity to tell their story (completely and without interruption - no matter how long it takes). As always, it was an incredible experience to simply bear witness as another human being finds and defines their truth; and in that moment, is forever freed of its burdens. It is both humbling and uplifting to be given such a gift; to be able to bear witness to an awakening soul as the eyes are beginning to open and we discover ourselves.

I am grateful to each who was there. I don't know what 2008 holds and if this is indeed, my last pass at IWI, I have been honored with an expression of this process that has awakened something new in me.

Breathing is good.....

Mom and Pop Talk

The conversations about the family are always the tough ones. We've learned well how to deny the truth of our experience and hold to the party line on how it all went down. The problem with that is that the body never lies. NEVER!

Although today was only Day 2 of IWI, we're already into the conversation about the roles we took on in our early family system; and the strategies these became in our lives as adults. Without thinking, or mindfully considering anything other than what we know, our lives run on 'automatic pilot' for most of what we do. The people we choose to spend time with. The work we do. How and where we live. It is frequently startling and sometimes stunning when we discover that we have not really been choosing at all but just running what is familiar to us.

But, without exception, the toughest conversation to give ourselves permission to have is the one that lets us know that Mom and Dad aren't perfect. Our lives have been shaped by forces we pretend not to notice, finding ourselves buffeted by self-denigrating habits of thought and behaviour that do not serve us well...and yet, it never occurs to us to consider that somewhere in there, the genius lies waiting to be found. And sometimes, to find it, we have let go of our pretty stories about our not-so-pretty lives.

It often feels raw and jagged. The secrets that the body keeps begin to awaken and flow and reveal themselves. Our stories start to fray at the edges and we find ourselves coming face-to-face with our own self-deception for self-preservation. In that moment, eyelids get heavy and the entire room seems to be desperate for a deep sleep. The funny thing is that we have already been in a deep sleep and what is happening is the awakening that comes when mixed with our last feeble efforts to hold the truth of our experience in check. Once out, there is no turning back.

I've heard things that have made me weep for days. After more than 20 years, I am no longer surprised by what adults of capable of inflicting on children - particularly their own. When we own them, we can with them as we please. At least, it would seem that such a thought process prevailed for so many, for far too long.

And yet, the determination of that essence of who we are to LIVE AUTHENTIC LIVES is stronger, deeper and prevails - no matter what! - even if it finally means that we have to reveal a new truth to ourselves. In that moment, we seem to grow up and become the adult we have so longed for, for so long.

I remember writing From Victim to Victorious Voice after having spent time with a group in a conversation not unlike the one that unfolded today. I am clear that keeping the secrets - from ourselves and/or anyone else - does not stop the harm that adults do to children. The alternative is to find within ourselves that voice that keeps the secrets and be willing to hear that truth ourselves. Sometimes it comes in dreams. Sometimes, it will flow through our fingers and onto the page or screen. And sometimes, the small quiet voice in which it speaks whispers its secrets to a single soul that feels safe. Only then do we become willing to tell the world what is long overdue to be heard.

Some parents are monsters! Some parents are wounded children trying desperately to raise children. And some parents are detached and numb by necessity as they, too, try to ignore the secrets their bodies carry. In my time, I've come to believe that the vast majority of parents love their children AND are profoundly disconnected to the truth of their own childhood experience, incapable of noticing an internal cue and desperately seeking external ones to make up for it. It's not about good/bad, right/wrong - it's about awake/coma. And coma will kill us.

If I were to identify the one thing that keeps getting in the way it would be the degree to which we really, desperately want to love our parents. We turn ourselves inside-out to find ways to explain it away, make excuses for it and dismiss as irrelevant or trivial what has often crippled our ability to live the lives we want. We would prefer to live a smaller life, hoping for the best, rather than tell ourselves the truth and risk damaging the uneasy peace we've made with our aging parents. It leaves me wondering : what our children will do with us?

Breathing is good.....

Acceleration

Once again, my life was filled with magic and miracles! As I moved from one day to the next through ITS and RIA, I found myself marvelling at my life.

I have created a life that calls to me the people who desire to discover the 'more' that they instinctively know they are.

My life is filled with men and women who have courage befitting the size of their curiosity.

Every day, I get to wonder - in the good company of others on a similar journey - just how good my life can become.

And to think I've been living like this for almost 20 years.....

I don't know what tomorrow brings but I do know this: I wake up every day and remind myself that I am the godforce expressing in a physical world - and how does that godforce want to live today? The answer always comes and when I engage it, my life expands. It really is that simple.

In this, my last experience of ITS and RIA, the Emerging Futures conversation was very present and intense. It has become very clear to me that is where my future lies. These last 10 days have shown me, yet again, the acceleration that comes with just stepping into this conversation and trusting that we are all 'up to it'. I believe that without exception, every one in the ITS/RIA intensives was propelled forward for having done so.

More will be coming on Evolution by Intention and Emerging Futures. More is already beginning to take shape for my experience of Huna relative to both these notions. I have already begun to re-organize my material for the Huna book and will begin work to complete it in September.

During the ITS experience, new guided mediations came into being. Poof! Just like that! I will be spending much of the month of August recording (guided meditations, a CD series for ITS, etc.) except for the week that I'll be spending in Alaska. That will be an interesting time for me for many reasons, not the least of which is that I have promised myself that I will leave my laptop at home. YIKES! Did I say that?!?!?!?! No email! No writing! Just me and time to do nothing. Hmmm.....

Tomorrow, IWI begins. Will this, too, be my last one? I'm not sure and won't really know until closer to the time of the next one. This I do know for sure: those who are gathering will be what is required to raise the bar on the next one...and so on. Whatever it brings, I'm not only ready but most willing to engage.

One stray thought: today, I turned on CBC just long enough to hear a short piece on a study done on journalists and reporting. Long story - short version : no wonder we feel like we're nuts! Almost 90% (89.9 to be exact) of what appears in major print, tv and radio is shaped by the appropriate spin doctors and regurgitated by media. Is there any wonder that in the face of what is often presented to us as 'answers' our bodies are screaming at us that we're asking the wrong questions???

Should be an incredible week!

Breathing is good....

Bits and Pieces

Day 2 of ITS. Day 4 of RIA. By noon yesterday, I was amazed at how quickly this group had come together! The check-ins were open, honest, direct and clear. They were also filled with laughter and irreverance, with the familiar scent of potential filling the air. In its weird and wonderful way, the experience shapes itself - weaving one seemingly disconnected conversation into the next, ending in a cascading wave of discovery for one or all of us in the room. I love it when the plan comes together....except there is no plan!

This time, I have a long time and dear friend in the room. I have always known this woman to be smart, compassionate, caring and deeply committed to contributing to others. My wish for her in these experiences is that she will take the space for herself to receive what she has so generously offered others for so long. Today, for the first time in a long time, I saw a glimpse of awakening in a new way. And it came from a little thing, like choosing to not rush and take the time that she needed/wanted. Such a simple little thing.....

My new book arrives on Thursday! This one I can feel. It vibrates! I know that it offers something much stronger and more alive. And I wait...in the excitement inside myself....knowing that this is different. Leaves me wondering how my life will change because of it. I don't know how - I just know that it will.

Every day, I make the time to visit the WEL-Systems Blogging Community. Such great stuff! Amy...Lori...Lucy...and all the others who are decloaking and inviting us into their lives. I read...I experience...and I am encouraged to dig deeper into myself and trust what I find. My life is indeed, magical! I am impressed with the company I choose to keep. :)

I am enjoying Koreen's presence in the room. Great strength. Courage. Ease. Fearlessness. Palpable playfulness. I look forward to each day and know that at the end of everyone, I get to do it again the next day.

For now, I'm tired and ready to call it a day.

Breathing is good....

First day of my last pass

Today was the first day of my last pass in RIA. A strange feeling - knowing that in the future, it will be Koreen who walks with these folks who are stepping up to create bigger lives for themselves.

When folks arrive on Monday for ITS, their return will be welcomed by Koreen. I'll not be part of this process again after July 23rd.

I've been in the program room for these certifications for more than 10 years - first through my original company (Partners in Renewal Inc.) and for the last five years, through the WEL-Systems Institute. I have watched and listened and welcomed hundreds as they stepped into the process of their own evolution. As they grew, so did I. I'll miss it all! And having said that, I know in every cell in my body that it's time; and I know that Koreen will bring the strength, compassion and skill that it takes to be willing to 'go the distance' with those who choose to engage.

Day 1 of RIA set the bar for the next 6 days. The conversations welcomed and allowed for the 'unspeakable' to be said out loud, making it possible for us all to notice that it's never the conversation that causes us pain - it's the fact that we hold it as a secret. It's amazing how quickly life expands when we just get honest with ourselves and tell the truth of our own experience.

I wonder how much easier life would be if we were never conditioned into the process of 'shame'.

Breathing is good....

Questions for living a meaningful life

Every now and then, I stop and wonder : am I living the life that lights me up? Am I living the life that reflects the majesty of who I know myself to be capable of being? Am I moving through my days in a way that honors the potential of who I already am? And perhaps the biggest of them all : if I am indeed the godforce in expression in a physical world, how does this godforce choose to live?

In those moments, I stop...and take a moment to consider the following questions - not like this is a complete list but more as a way of getting my own attention! It is so easy to fall into a rhythm of repetition, even when to others that repetition may appear immensely different from the habits of their own lives. They are habits, nonetheless.

Am I awake?! Or am I living from the deep coma of habituation and mindless repetition?

I take a moment and I sit quietly....taking a few long, slow, deep Water breaths...and I let these questions wash through my body. Like the Meta Model III questions, these are not for me to answer but much more for my body to 'digest'. All I have to do is keep my breathing deep and easy, my belly soft and my body relaxed - and let my body do the rest ! That is, after all, what Quantum TLC is all about.


* Do I pause to mindfully respond to questions or do I just say what I always say?
(Is my life desigining me or am I desiging my life?)

* Do I often find myself holding my breath?
(on the inhale - bracing against; or on the exhale - surrendering/hopelessness)

* Does my mind race ahead of my body, focusing on where I'm going next rather than on where I am right now?
(past/future with no 'now' - so no connection to my body)

* Do I wish my life were different - and then do nothing to make it so?
(the limp lament of the 'lost soul' or 'victim')

* Am I frequently angry that others don't see the world the way I do?
(in that moment, my holodeck reminds me of its presence!)

* Do I spend more time paying attention to what other people are doing than I do to what I'm doing with my life?
(external referencing)

* Do I feel safe in my world?
(at all levels - physical, financial, love, friends, value of work, value of presence, etc.)


Am I awake? It's hard to tell unless I pay attention and ask.

Each of these becomes a thought that I focus on for a day. Not like an obligation or a command, but much more like an invitation - allowing the question to sit at the back of my mind and pop into my awareness as I move from one thing to the next in a busy day. The question becomes the context within which my day unfolds, making it possible for me to notice what might otherwise just slide silently into the file of 'life passing me by' that so rarely gets revisited.

I am a profoundly fortunate woman. I live a magical life in so many ways. My life IS about these questions, filled with others who are on a similar journey of discovery. My life unfolds, from one day to the next, with courageous and curious people who are willing to journey with me, carving out their own paths as I carve out mine. What incredible company I keep! And in this moment of deep gratitude for the life I live; and in this moment of great appreciation for and to all those who share this life with me, I am mindful: it is indeed, my holodeck. And I create it all.

Breathing is good....

Cries in the dark

Here I was... wandering through my day, thinking that it was going to be an easy ride… and two things happen in quick succession.

First, I get an email from a client in great distress because their young teenage grandchild has been taken by police into psychiatric assessment for trying to stab the mother. The question put to me was: why do our children carry so much rage????

In part, my response went something like:

Our children are full of rage because we hurt them...we lie to them....we use them to gratify our own needs and serve our own purposes....and we pretend that none of this is happening. We have a social network that says: "I won't notice what you're doing to children if you won't notice what I'm doing." That way, when any children speak the truth of their shitty lives, we can all pretend that there's something wrong with the child because, after all, adults would never do such things to helpless, vulnerable children that they are supposed to protect; and that they want to continue to be seen to be doing so, even though these same adults are the very perpetrators of the misery in their children's lives.

Our kids are full of rage because they have good reason to be full of rage! They are tired of being used and lied to. Tired of being unheard and crying into their pillows in the dark. They are tired of being shut-up through drugs and shut down by physical punishment/assault. They’re tired of being spoken to and about by 'experts' who insist that there is something wrong with them - because the experts aren't willing or don't know how to turn to the adults and ask: what are you doing to this child????

The rage our children carry is a measure of the misery they live with and in. The alternative to their rage is depression. When they have become completely without hope that their lives will ever change; when they have completely lost faith in anything or anyone else to make their lives better; and when in that moment, they recognize that they feel powerless to do this for themselves, depression ensues. In my book, the rage is a sign of hope. It is a sign of an unwillingness to give up, to completely surrender and to go quietly into the night.

We medicate our children to silence our children. We treat them with disrespect and disinterest for the things that matter to them; and worse, with disdain for being the child that they are. Our deepest and deadliest wound is that we seem to need to devour their innocence…almost with a rigor that speaks to our need to press back any memory of our own.

Our children are fighting back! They are fighting each other and they are killing each other. When they become unwilling to be silenced anymore; when the drugs no longer can be imposed, they don’t begin to speak – they roar with rage! A raw, ragged rage that has been building for years. And when it moves, it takes on a life of its own.

Our children are drugged into silence or numbed into silence or shamed into silence. They’re fighting it and won't give up. .And a large part of it is that the ugly truth must come to light - whatever it may be.”

Shortly after that note came another from a colleague who spends much time working with adults, assessing their parenting capability with their children. Truly compassionate, caring, competent and skilled in her field, I was surprised when I read, “In a weak moment I might say there are a lot of ineffective parents out there!” And I wondered: why are we so afraid to come to that conclusion? Seems to be that the evidence is pretty compelling! Are we so afraid to offend that we can no longer trust the truth of our own experience?

Today has reminded me of why I do what I do. It is never about 'what's wrong with the children – it is always about the adults who design their lives and their experiences of living. It is always about us…about those of us who ‘do to’ and the rest of us who stand by and ‘do nothing’. Given we create the problems, we're the only ones who can do anything about them.

Breathing is good……

New voices - more choices

In the last months, I've had the real pleasure of interviewing three people to capture their wisdom, insight and vision on a range of topics. From a conversation about addiction (with Ray Landry) to one about finding the courage to decloak and show up for our own lives (with Amy McNaughton) to one about life beyond eating disorders (with Koreen Kimakowich), I complete this process with more respect and appreciation for their passion, compassion and willingness to do what it takes to make a difference.

Each of these talented and compelling people has something very special and unique to offer the world. Our recorded conversations draw on the truth of who they are in that moment, as they welcome and embrace the opportunity to speak from the heart on the things that matter most to them. Unscripted and unrehearsed, the recording captures what shows up from moment to moment. There are moments of uncertainty; others that reflect powerful revelations from lessons learned; and then, those that let us know how human, how vulnerable and how courageous they are. They are living expressions of the things they talk about, spending their days pressing for their own evolution through the work they do with others.

The conversation that Koreen and I had about eating disorders - including both anorexia and bulimia - is not like anything out there. Several times through the conversation, I was awakened to a new thought stream that I know will open doors for so many. There are new insights and explorations that surfaced just in the moment of that discussion. There are so many provocative ideas to consider that we discovered when we were finished that we had more than two hours of conversation for a 60-minute CD program! I've tried twice to cut it back to meet the 'framework' and both times, could not bring myself to leave out the explorations. And so - bonus! - this one will be longer than the others. And so be it.

Given the damage done by 'eating disorders', if this conversation makes it possible for one person to find themselves again in the chaos of their inner lives, it will be worth it.

These new CD's are now in the production process and will be available in the next two to three weeks. Already, there are other voices with the desire to speak on depression, cancer, chronic anxiety - and how they have learned to live differently and life has profoundly changed for them. Those are yet to come. It's going to be a busy year!

Breathing is good....