Child Abuse....ENOUGH!

I read Sarah’s blog today. I stand with her as she chooses to stand alone, claiming the truth of her own experience.

There are those among us who have been victims. There are those among us who are perpetrators. There are those among us who would prefer to think that neither exist; that we are over-reacting, or blowing things out of proportion or imagining it all. And to them I would say, “WAKE UP!”

Beneath the veneer of the myth of the intact family lies a seething mass of deception, betrayal, lies, dirty secrets, open wounds, mind-numbing emotional and physical pain…all of which add up to danger, despair and hopelessness for those too small to defend and protect themselves; with voices too quiet to be heard.

I’ve been working with people since 1990. I’ve had the opportunity to engage with thousands of people over those years – face-to-face in program experiences, in telephone conversations and through email. Before that, I spent almost 20 years in treatment programs for families of alcoholics; talked myself silly with a wide range of therapists and counselors; and invested hundreds of hours and tens of thousands of dollars as a participant in educational/developmental/certification experiences with some of the best minds in the world. Through it all, I talked with people. I told my story and listened to theirs. I declare, without hesitation or a nano-second of doubt, we are a species that cannibalizes its young.

We are the monsters that brutalize our children and create more monsters! I have worked with people who, as children, experienced such horrific treatment at the hands of those whose care they were in (not strangers or paid care-givers or pedophiles on-the-run, but family members) that I would marvel that they were able to function at all!; that they, themselves, had not become the monsters in some other child’s nightmares.

I have been with both men and women as their bodies shook uncontrollably with the terror still filling their cells from things done to them – in the powerlessness and helplessness of their size, age and innocence – that to that day, kept them from living their own lives. I have watched their bodies become paralyzed and rigid, trapped in the memories that were still in their flesh, seeking to be witnessed, honored and released that they might begin to grow up. Their adult bodies masked the four-year-old that still ran their lives.

My life is filled people who have discovered that if they are to take back their lives, they must first find inside themselves the truth of their own experience, and lay undeniable claim to it all. You can’t give away what does not belong to you. And before they can move beyond their history, they must claim it to be theirs, recognize that the shame does not belong to them, and walk away. For that, they must dig deep inside themselves and find the courage to stand alone.

We do not make it easy for anyone to stand alone. We are a species that has become highly adept at using physical and emotional terror, shame, ridicule, abandonment, isolation…and a wide variety of other tactics to make sure not only that our children are never heard but that we become unable to hear ourselves. Not only do we fear what our children have to say, we are terrified of the truth we carry inside ourselves. It is not our children who must find their voices. It is the adults we have become, carrying the scars and the often still-open wounds from our own experiences, who must find voice.

Child abuse is not a child’s problem – it is an adult’s problem! The situation has become so intense that our children are now battering, brutalizing and killing each other! Your voice, my voice and that of the millions of others who know, deep in their bodies the truth of their experience, are the ones who must become willing to decloak and take a stand.

It is not that we are without laws – it is that the laws are not enough. It is not that we without experts, officials, agents, professionals who are paid to stand guard – it is that they are not enough. NO ONE is more capable and adept at this than those of us who know…deep in our own bellies…and who have become willing to trust what we know. NO ONE is more able to protect our children than we are, IF we have claimed our own truth and can trust our own body. Without that, we continue to avoid and deny the alarm that our own body signals - screaming at us to pay attention to the truth of what we know! - becoming victim (this time) to ourselves.

We take from our children what has been taken from us. Innocence lost - through neglect, abandonment and isolation - breeds depression, invisibility and a desire to disconnect from our world. Innocence taken - through violation, terror and assault - breeds rage and the desire to take back what was taken from us. Without a capacity to reclaim the truth of our own experience, we look outside ourselves to satisfy this relentless hunger. And yet, the hunger we carry that craves a return to what we were will never be fed by denying what we have become.

It does not matter where it started. What matters is where it ends. And in my life, it ends with me. Clearly, in Sarah’s life, it is ending with her. In your life, it must end with you. It is not that each of us must draw the line in the sand, it is that each of us must BECOME the line in the sand. If what I must do is put my body between my children and their grandparents, uncles, cousins, babysitters, teachers, coaches, ministers, priests…whatever!....then so be it. I have learned to trust the truth of my body and leave behind the bullshit that we toss at each other to keep sacred our unwillingness to say or do something that might potentially embarrass someone, or have someone feel badly, or have others be upset at our stand. Silence will not take us to where we want to go.

‘Child porn’….’kiddie porn’….are not about pornography. In our savvy, worldly, clever society, we have come to associate porn/pornography with so-called consenting (which I believe to be a lie in the vast majority of cases) adults and therefore, a completely acceptable experience to engage in as participant, witness or voyeur. Children do not consent! This is not ‘child pornography’ – this is child abuse. This is rape of the most horrific kind. This is use of force in ways that you and I cannot even imagine. This is violation, degradation and terror. This is brutality. And worse, this is a collective. It is not about one person….it is recognizing that there are many, many persons who engage in this process as a collective…who share these children with each other, passed around from one to the other…. That this could be considered, in any way, entertainment or ‘natural’ is beyond my comprehension.

We live in a world where men travel to foreign lands to rape the children who live there. This is not a secret – this is done openly! Who have we become as a species that we are capable of such horror?

I, for one, stand with Sarah. I do not for a moment fool myself into believing that I can change that world or ‘solve’ that problem or make it go away. Even Oprah, who has the capacity to profoundly affect her world, cannot stop this. I am however, very clear: NOT MY CHILDREN! Nor my grandchildren…nor my nieces. When I stand for myself and claim the truth of my own history, I become able to stand for my children. When I reclaim MY voice for MYSELF, I have voice for another. I cannot speak for my children if/when I cannot speak for myself. I cannot protect my children when I cannot protect myself. I am too vulnerable…too easily fooled…too easily silenced. Such is no longer the case. My voice is strong and it is loud – and it speaks with Sarah’s to say: “ENOUGH!”

Find your voice! Share this with others and become the invitation for others to WAKE UP to what their body already knows. BECOME the line in the sand in your own life. We are all contagious...the question is : What are we spreading?
Breathing is good….

Other things I’ve written that say more:

• From Victim to Victorious Voice -
• Parenting: The Other Gift that Keeps on Giving
• Women’s Voices – Women’s Choices
• Thoughts On….Commitment
• Living Life with an Edge