The fog of forgetting....

….who I have been, that I might remember who I am.

… the words that are familiar to me that I might discover new ones that awaken me

… what it feels like to know that I might experience the joy of not knowing with grace.

Things continue to move so fast. In those moments, I wonder… am I in a fog or is this just a blur from watching things go by? And if so, what am I not seeing?

I really don’t have a clue – and I stay with it. Sometimes, words come out the ends of my fingers and fill the screen. I have no sense of what is there until I re-read. And then I wonder: who wrote that?

I don’t believe that I channel or that another speaks through me. I do believe that the stronger my connection to that godforce that moves through me – that IS me – the more I can know what it is to delight in discovering more of the truth of who I can be.

In this moment, I am aware of how long it’s been since I was last here. It is not that I don’t ponder things… or wonder about things…but more that I seem to be without the desire to somehow capture them and make them ‘real’ in my world. It feels more like watching it all flow by, noticing it all and seeing nothing in particular.

And yet, from time to time, something will catch my attention and stay with me for more than a nano-second. In those bytes of awareness, I am wondering what is meaningful to me about having noticed those particular things to wonder about!

Like Al Gore – watching him on The Daily Show with John Stewart as they discuss Al’s new book “An Assault on Reason” and noticing that the one thing they do not speak about is the great desire that people have to believe their leaders; to believe that those who are in power – those who have such great leverage in the quality of their lives – particularly those they have chosen and elect will, indeed, take care of them… not deceive them… have their best interests at heart. To me, the assault on reason has less to do with media manipulation and much more to do with the innate desire we carry to love; and to show this love by investing ourselves in others as our way of ensuring that they will love us back.

As I listened to them, I was struck by the parallels (yet again!) between what they were talking about and the bond between parent and child. No surprises there. Given that we are all fractals of a root organic system called ‘family’, why would we be surprised when we discover that we have replicated that core system in all that we do….everywhere in our lives! (Side bar: leaves me wondering - if we were not 'taught' how to love, I wonder what we would make up for ourselves that would be less about history and habit and much more about instinct and intuition....)

And then Hillary Clinton – listening to a radio interview with a woman from some prestigious leadership institute in the US speak to Hillary’s problem in her run at the White House being her seeming inability to be perceived as both strong and feminine…and finding myself wondering: what I would be looking for from a ‘leader’ – any leader! – would not be their ability to charm me with their male/female presence but VISION! What do these people want to manifest???? I know that whatever that is, my life will be profoundly affected by it.

And then, in noticing what I’ve been paying attention to, I wonder: how are these experiences of Al Gore and Hillary Clinton metaphors for my own life? What is there for me to notice about myself through these expressions that I perceive as being ‘out there’? What am I trying to say to myself by speaking to Al and Hillary as ‘not me’ and yet, in some profound and powerful way, most definitely are ‘me’?

What pops to mind in this moment is the complexity that surrounds engaging from a coma with others in a coma; the contortions of trying to shape and mold – self and other – while intending to manifest a particular outcome.

I wonder how Al would have reacted if John had said : “You know, Al… what it’s really about is the degree to which we like to pretend we care and that we’re willing to step up to the plate but the truth is, we don’t and we aren't. Even when it affects us directly, we don’t really care. We’re too busy working at getting comfortable with being numb, and don’t want to do anything that will remind us that ‘not numb’ is a possibility.”

Or if the woman who spoke about Hillary had said: “In my opinion, I don’t think Hillary should give a rat’s ass about whether or not people think she’s Butch or Betty. What matters to me is: has she got what it takes to manifest the future of one of the most powerful nations in the world in such a way that we don’t destroy ourselves entirely? And given that we’re a nation of people not willing to take responsibility for ourselves, is she going to be able to stay awake when the rest of us go back into a deep, collective sleep until the next election?”

I re-read what I just wrote. Hmmm…seems to come with attitude. What I notice about myself is that on the holodeck of my experience, does it matter whether or not I share what I have discovered with anyone else? Is doing so going to make a difference in the world? My world?

Am I willing to go it alone? Am I willing to not fit; to not care whether anyone else is awake or asleep? Am I willing to be true to myself and honor what is meaningful for me/to me without feeling the need to make it meaningful to others as a way of getting validation to myself that I’m on the right track?

So here I sit. Caring. Wanting to engage with others and share what is deeply meaningful to me because I believe that it is also what others seek – and cannot find. Do I believe I have the answer to their awakening? I think my answer to that one would be the question: at what logical level of thinking? Does it matter to me that they know that? What I need to do is keep living what I teach others. What matters is for me to BE … to allow… and to have my very life be an invitation…to whom? For what? I’m not really sure….

And then, let the chips fall where they may.

Breathing is good….

…

Faster than a speeding bullet...

I was in conversation today with Lori and found myself describing my life this way….

Imagine the image of a train speeding down a track and hanging on to the railing of the caboose for dear life by one hand….is me! The most interesting part for me is that in that image, I am blinded by the intensity of my own smile. It seems that I enjoy the experience of being pulled at mach speed into my destination!

And so it is with my ‘emerging future’. It is unfolding, moving, flowing… whatever the word!... far faster than I had thought possible. Things are happening all by themselves. And isn’t that the way it should be?

The new edition of Fully Alive is almost complete. We’re finalizing the cover and into the nitty gritty of pre-production details. Funny….I’ve really been dragging my feet on this one and wondering how come. I kept getting distracted by other things…

In conversation with a colleague and client today, who was sharing his thoughts with me about his read of the manuscript for the new Fully Alive, I got goose bumps as he spoke. For him, he was clear that even though I hold this edition as having about 40% new material, he experienced it as a much more powerful and profoundly different book. We concluded that the new context is likely what has made the difference. I’m not holding back a thing.

As I write these words, I am mindful of how I have missed being here. This place that is for me; for my thoughts; for wandering through what is sometimes the wilderness of my own mind and letting myself be surprised by what is revealed to me. I know that there is a ripple in the Force. And I know that there is much more to come in 2007.

Breathing is good…..

A passing thought....

We complain about the current status of our world... but we do not complain about who we have been to create such a result.

Perhaps, if we were to focus our attention on the source of our havoc (us!), we would create something very different. However, to do this, we would each have to recognize the part we play in its ongoing manifestation, rather than stand back and point at the behaviours of others.

Consciousness....the great wave of our own unfolding....cannot be denied. That we are consciousness in action means that if we are to act otherwise, our consciousness must flow diffierently. But first, we must find it and claim it as our own.

Breathing is good.....

Silence Inside

I’m noticing that things inside me have an ebb and flow. As much as there can be wave after wave of insight, discovery and new possibilities, I am also mindful that sometimes... and not always with warning… it all stops. Inside myself, I become aware of an immense stillness. The image that comes to mind is that of a tall-masted ship, sails sagging as it stands motionless on a sea of liquid silver under the full moon of a clear night sky,.

Inside the sea of potential that I am, all has been still.

But things are stirring. I can feel a breeze as I begin to capture new ideas… new possibilities. Paying attention not to what I have always done, or even what I think I should do, but much more to what calls to me to do. Noticing my willingness and ability to allow my future to emerge; and noticing also my willingness and ability to be led by it. Intellect aside, my need to ‘know’ suspended, the stillness is disturbed by my desire to grow.

Growth is a biological imperative. It is also my core value. If I woke up tomorrow and knew that I would never again grow, I would have no interest in being alive. For me, growth is what gives my life meaning.

I am growing – in leaps and bounds! I’m mindful that when that happens… inside me, where I live… I am not always adept at making my growth immediately accessible to others. I seem to need Space to allow myself to relish and rejoice in my own growth. I need to allow the Movement that accompanies that growth to first, transform me. Once I have absorbed it… digested it…become it!... then there is Space for me to share it with others and it begins to Flow through me and into the expression of who I am to become.

My life is changing. I am discovering that I need more and bigger Space in order for me to both trust and love who I am already becoming. The voice that speaks for the essence of my being, and the voice that speaks for the organic presence that I am, are no longer fighting. They have become still – inside, where I live.

Funny, isn’t it. When those voices are engaging with great flurry and intensity (which is when I might think that there would be chaos), nothing inside me moves. When those voices have found their path to becoming one and have ceased to move inside me, my world and my desire to be in it pick up speed and I am propelled forward, into my own life. It is just so freakin’ amazing!

And so, it begins. Things pouring out the ends of my fingers. New programs falling effortlessly into place. New retreats. More without structure and form. Vast, empty spaces of potential and possibility – and all I have to do is breathe, follow the impulse, let myself know the truth of my own experience… and ENGAGE!

I know my days in the program room for ITS and RIA are coming to an end. It is quite likely that my last time in the program room for these will be this July. It is time for me to create a much larger space for myself to expand into and, in so doing, create space for others to flow into.

I wonder if I’ll miss it. I know that the magic of ITS has always been in being witness to the Sacred that awakened, flowed and filled the room with the LifeForce that we all are. Impossible to ignore! In those moments, I could always remember who I am; and I could trust who I would become. I know that the journey will continue in the gentle presence of others who will follow – each to lead in her/his own way.

My future lies in working with women. It lies in the Women and WEL-Systems series; and in the Whispers from Within women’s writing retreat; and now, more than ever before, in the EmergingFutures retreats for women and leadership. My future is not out there, in front of me…it is already in here, rushing through and filling up every cell in the tissue of my being. With every breath I take, it has already become ‘real’.

Breathing is good…..

Engaging...NOW!

I am aware that I’m different.

I don’t sit around and think about things a lot. When something feels right to me and for me, I engage.

When I have a conversation with someone and through that conversation things call to me, I hang up and engage. It may mean that I make another call, or send an email to connect a couple of people, but whatever it is, I do it NOW. Once the connection is made, I let go. It will go wherever it is meaningful for it to go.

I think back to how I used to live, oh-so-long-ago. I would have a thought. Then, I would have a conversation with myself about that thought, exploring its merits to be revealed to another. Then, I would have conversations with others about my thought, exploring whether or not that thought was a good/meaningful/relevant/important thought, and thought to be so by others. Once it was established with someone else (external reference) that it was indeed, an intelligent thought, I would then give great consideration to how I would proceed in sharing that thought with others. Never mind taking action! I was still far from being able to do that!

And, strangely enough, what I would often discover is that by the time I was actually ready to engage that thought, it was no longer relevant. Life had passed me by.

I recall, years ago, facilitating an in-house corporate group of about 25 managers. During the course of the four-day process, one woman spoke of how she was never permitted to speak at their meetings, and that she felt no one really cared what her ideas were. We spent some time exploring that, with this woman finally realizing that she was doing what I had so often done. Rather than risk feeling embarrassed, or moving forward while feeling unsure, she would take such precautions to be sure that her idea was a good one. She would run through, in her head, a conversation with each of the others at the table, anticipating how they would respond and what they would say, and would adjust her thought/idea accordingly. By the time this process was complete, the conversation had moved on; or worse, when she did actually open her mouth and speak, her initial thought/idea had been edited into a pale version of anything meaningful. The roar of who she was had become a squeak.

No more! What are we waiting for????

Since January 2006, I have felt this great acceleration and the need/desire to move forward. I am unwilling to be cautious or replay my own thoughts 30 times before sharing them with another. It is not about running out of time, it is about recognizing that I am manifesting, from one second to the next – and I am no longer willing to NOT manifest what I want! That means that when that thought/idea/notion moves, I engage! In that nano-second of engaging, manifestation occurs.

I don’t always know exactly what it is that will result. (But then, that’s what an Emerging Future™ is all about.) But I do know this: if I don’t’ engage, I’ll get more of what I’ve already got. And I’ve already got that! J

When I do engage, I know that life moves. The Life Force that I am, moves. When my LifeForce moves and touches yours, yours moves too. It is what Life is designed to do.

“Be bold!” That’s what I tell myself, from one breath to the next. “Live fully!” That’s what I know is the outcome when I do. “Don’t edit – engage!” And when I do, my life explodes with potential and possibility and is full of wonderful surprises.

Sometimes, my doing so startles others. It would seem that my actions defy convention on how it is supposed to be. Oh well…so be it!

Yes, there are times when others might have their opinions about that. Might frown upon moving so quickly, holding my actions as unconsidered or impulsive. And to that, I say “Absolutely!” And I would not have it any other way. My life is ALIVE!

Breathing is good…..

Woman - Conduit - The Sacred

It’s getting clearer to me, now. I know why women are dying in such huge numbers. In so many different ways, so many different cultures, so many different environments and contexts and geographies.

Hiding is killing us. Silencing ourselves is killing us. Being small and puny is killing us. Forcing ourselves to be less than who we are so that others will not harm us (physically, emotionally, socially, etc) is killing us. Were I to allow it to be released, the scream in my body would shake the ground on which I stand!

If we are dying in our silence anyway, why would we not choose to at least explore living in the sound of who we are?

My morning was spent with yet another powerful, incredible woman. That which is sacred within her WILL NOT ALLOW her to be silent anymore. As we talked, it was clear that the body vibration that accompanies the immensity of who she is, is unfamiliar and in some ways uncomfortable for her. And yet, she cannot stop herself! It is a glorious moment to bear witness to the Sacred pressing through the concrete of cultural habituation. I am moved and honored to have witnessed it.

We hide the sacred within us that we might not be discovered for the charlatans we are! We are NOT inept! We are NOT incremental in how we move through the world! Our sins….our crime…our secret… is not in what we do or don’t do - it is in what we do not allow ourselves to be seen to already be! We know what lives inside us, and we inch through our lives in fear that if we’re found out, we’ll be harmed. And so we wait… often in the darkness of our own thoughts… until we find another who ‘feels’ safe to us. In that moment of safety, we are freed to find ourselves.

How many of us lock down on the wave of the Sacred that moves through us as we speak of creating what is meaningful to us? How many of us hold back… pull back and hold our breath, our joy, our magnificence… and do not allow others to see us in the moment of being so powerfully moved… so compelled to be alive!... as the awakened, sentient expressive beings that we are? We retract and press down the full measure of who we are that we might not frighten ourselves.

We are dying – in vast numbers – at the hands of others. We are also dying at our own hand because we will not choose LIFE! We stand firm… no, not quite true… we stand STUCK in the histories shaped by others and allow them to become the prisons that take our futures.

We are dying of breast cancer in epidemic proportions because we can’t breathe! We don’t know how to let the breath of who we are be inhaled… how to take that huge, gulping gasp that will awaken us to a different world… and so, our Life Force leaves. There is no room for it to engage within the small, tight chambers we’ve created that we call our lives.

We have thyroid problems in record numbers because we have kept our voices small and tight for so long, we’ve forgotten what it sounds like. Do we even recognize the sound of who we are when we hear ourselves? Can that small, tinny sound be me??? When we listen to the sound of our own voice, does it betray us in what it says and how it says it? Or do we even believe we have anything left to say that matters to anyone – especially to ourselves.

Today, as I spent my morning with yet another powerful, amazing woman, I found hope inside myself, in the sound of her voice. The truth of who she is seeps out of her pores. And even she can no longer pretend that it is not so! In this moment, I am filled with hope for us all.

Breathing is good…..

Tension as a way of knowing I'm alive?

I’m restless again. It’s not that I don’t have enough to do! I could make calls, send emails, talk with/see people, write articles/books; record and edit for 18 hours a day and still have more to do – but that’s not it.


It’s not about getting things done or even making a difference. It’s not about what we do or the outcome we get. It’s about how we go about it.

Again, this morning on CBC (I seem to be doing that a lot lately), I heard an interview with a doctor from Winnipeg who is serving with the Canadian Forces in Kandahar. It occurred to me as I listened to this compassionate and courageous man speak that he makes a difference. A life-and-death difference. And despite the hardships, the danger, the ever-present threat of losing his life, this was his second tour of duty and he’s committed to returning whenever they need him. Every time he goes, he leaves behind a woman he loves and who loves him, and two very young children. And yet, he goes.

I listened and I pondered how different my life is from his. The only death that I’ve know in my life is the passing of three, very aged family elders long ago when I was in my early teens. It seems that I live and have lived a charmed life in so many ways! I’ve wanted for nothing; I’ve been/done/gone what called to me to be/do/go – always with ease and without complication.

My thoughts come easily and flow abundantly and seem to bring an expansion of life when I share them with others. I know that over the years, thousands have been profoundly touched by their interaction with me and/or with the body of knowledge that I have created. All of which is wonderful, and yet……

Something about this radio conversation speaks to me of meaning in a different way. As this doctor spoke of his commitment to heal – regardless of his personal judgments/opinions/interpretations/etc about the person before him – I could see the faces of the others in the stories that he told. Young children severely wounded, caught in the crossfire of a battle with terror as its only outcome. Locals – friend and foe alike – all bleeding with the same result of an ebbing life force as his efforts are unable to stem the flow. Comrades engaging in various play – watching movies, coffee at Tim Horton’s and conversation about what’s going on ‘back home’, hip-hop lessons and samba classes – all efforts to bring a sense of ‘life goes on’ into the midst of such insanity. And all the while, just outside the edges of the cocoon they find themselves in, danger waits.

There is nothing dangerous about what I do. I am always safe. I am always at ease in my environment. I am always close to people I love and who love me. Things feel easy and effortless.

In this moment, I wonder: is that because my world is that way? Or is because I create my world that way?

Lately, I have been wondering about who we are as human beings. Do we need war and danger and pain in order for us to feel ‘alive’ and ‘meaningful’? As those Spiritual Beings having a human experience, do we need to design pain/danger/loss as a pathway to discovering something about ourselves and our humanity? Are these the things that call us to find valor, courage, strength within ourselves? Do we need to be self-less in order to find our Self?

What comes to mind is the part in ‘The Matrix’ where the agent is questioning Morpheus, and tells of the original programs for the sleeping ‘battery’ of humans – and how its easy and comfortable content left the sleeping captives restless and uneasy. The program had to be changed to allow for strife and conflict and struggle in order for them to sleep easy and well.

Do we have to push up against the edges of who we think we are in order to find out who we might become? And in doing so, do we need to kill ourselves and each other?

I don’t know – and I wonder….

Breathing is good……

Cascading potential

In my usual fashion, my attention has been moving sprightly across a broad range of attractors. Like little flashing lights of potential, my gaze wanders (not over but) through a range of sounds and images that in some way, all call to me to engage.

I’m noticing that this is occurring far more quickly than I can calibrate for with my intellect. I’m discovering within myself a new and as yet unproven capacity to notice without knowing what I notice; to see/hear/sense without having to have content; and to allow so many things on such varying topics to converge without my needing to do anything with them, to make sense of any of them or, in some way, to have closure on any of them. And yet, I instinctively recognize the 'truth' of a possible emerging future in each.

These things just ‘are’ and I follow where and when they lead me.

This morning, I was driving to the office and listening to CBC. I turned on the radio to catch the last half of a sentence by a woman who was clearly distressed by her experience of ‘infertility’ and IVF. In a nano-second, a cascading torrent of impressions flowed from….somewhere! In that instant, I completely remembered lengthy, extensive conversations with a woman who was then a friend, about her struggles with getting pregnant. I became very tuned in to what, to me, feels like the insanity of attempting to conceive under such stress and duress. I kept seeing this image of a tiny, struggling zygote desperately trying to grow where there was no space in the body for it to settle. That notion of ‘Space, Movement and Flow’ came to mind, reminding me that conception requires Space, within which movement can occur and produce the flow that results in gestation.

Streamed with that was the metaphor of infertility and its application to our global, organic collective ‘family’; and how we keep trying to create something new in the world without the Space in our thoughts and habits to allow for any of it.

The next strand related to time….how the past continues to shape the future; and how difficulty with conception is addressed in the ‘now’ when in all likelihood, the past is in some way recreating itself for us to notice, learn from it, grow (Space) and move(ment0 on!

All that, from less than five seconds of sound byte on CBC. And that’s only what I can bring to awareness in this moment of recalling it – because I know there was so much more in flow at the time, much of it content free yet very ‘real’ in the sensations in my body..

What difference does any of this make? It tells me that I can process huge amounts of information in nano-seconds…pieces of seconds…that I have ignored for most of my life. It tells me that there is so much more beyond what I can recall – all of it relevant and meaningful in some way, and accessible in ways I’ve not trusted in the past.

Why is this important to me? Because in the domain of manifestation – in the domain of creating matter from thought – and compressing space/time for an instantaneous response, I must learn to trust that the key is NOT knowing and engaging anyway. And not engaging because I know how to make it happen but engaging because I know that when I let go, it does happen.

Hmmm….I can see that today is going to be an interesting day.

Breathing is good…..