The fog of forgetting....

….who I have been, that I might remember who I am.

… the words that are familiar to me that I might discover new ones that awaken me

… what it feels like to know that I might experience the joy of not knowing with grace.

Things continue to move so fast. In those moments, I wonder… am I in a fog or is this just a blur from watching things go by? And if so, what am I not seeing?

I really don’t have a clue – and I stay with it. Sometimes, words come out the ends of my fingers and fill the screen. I have no sense of what is there until I re-read. And then I wonder: who wrote that?

I don’t believe that I channel or that another speaks through me. I do believe that the stronger my connection to that godforce that moves through me – that IS me – the more I can know what it is to delight in discovering more of the truth of who I can be.

In this moment, I am aware of how long it’s been since I was last here. It is not that I don’t ponder things… or wonder about things…but more that I seem to be without the desire to somehow capture them and make them ‘real’ in my world. It feels more like watching it all flow by, noticing it all and seeing nothing in particular.

And yet, from time to time, something will catch my attention and stay with me for more than a nano-second. In those bytes of awareness, I am wondering what is meaningful to me about having noticed those particular things to wonder about!

Like Al Gore – watching him on The Daily Show with John Stewart as they discuss Al’s new book “An Assault on Reason” and noticing that the one thing they do not speak about is the great desire that people have to believe their leaders; to believe that those who are in power – those who have such great leverage in the quality of their lives – particularly those they have chosen and elect will, indeed, take care of them… not deceive them… have their best interests at heart. To me, the assault on reason has less to do with media manipulation and much more to do with the innate desire we carry to love; and to show this love by investing ourselves in others as our way of ensuring that they will love us back.

As I listened to them, I was struck by the parallels (yet again!) between what they were talking about and the bond between parent and child. No surprises there. Given that we are all fractals of a root organic system called ‘family’, why would we be surprised when we discover that we have replicated that core system in all that we do….everywhere in our lives! (Side bar: leaves me wondering - if we were not 'taught' how to love, I wonder what we would make up for ourselves that would be less about history and habit and much more about instinct and intuition....)

And then Hillary Clinton – listening to a radio interview with a woman from some prestigious leadership institute in the US speak to Hillary’s problem in her run at the White House being her seeming inability to be perceived as both strong and feminine…and finding myself wondering: what I would be looking for from a ‘leader’ – any leader! – would not be their ability to charm me with their male/female presence but VISION! What do these people want to manifest???? I know that whatever that is, my life will be profoundly affected by it.

And then, in noticing what I’ve been paying attention to, I wonder: how are these experiences of Al Gore and Hillary Clinton metaphors for my own life? What is there for me to notice about myself through these expressions that I perceive as being ‘out there’? What am I trying to say to myself by speaking to Al and Hillary as ‘not me’ and yet, in some profound and powerful way, most definitely are ‘me’?

What pops to mind in this moment is the complexity that surrounds engaging from a coma with others in a coma; the contortions of trying to shape and mold – self and other – while intending to manifest a particular outcome.

I wonder how Al would have reacted if John had said : “You know, Al… what it’s really about is the degree to which we like to pretend we care and that we’re willing to step up to the plate but the truth is, we don’t and we aren't. Even when it affects us directly, we don’t really care. We’re too busy working at getting comfortable with being numb, and don’t want to do anything that will remind us that ‘not numb’ is a possibility.”

Or if the woman who spoke about Hillary had said: “In my opinion, I don’t think Hillary should give a rat’s ass about whether or not people think she’s Butch or Betty. What matters to me is: has she got what it takes to manifest the future of one of the most powerful nations in the world in such a way that we don’t destroy ourselves entirely? And given that we’re a nation of people not willing to take responsibility for ourselves, is she going to be able to stay awake when the rest of us go back into a deep, collective sleep until the next election?”

I re-read what I just wrote. Hmmm…seems to come with attitude. What I notice about myself is that on the holodeck of my experience, does it matter whether or not I share what I have discovered with anyone else? Is doing so going to make a difference in the world? My world?

Am I willing to go it alone? Am I willing to not fit; to not care whether anyone else is awake or asleep? Am I willing to be true to myself and honor what is meaningful for me/to me without feeling the need to make it meaningful to others as a way of getting validation to myself that I’m on the right track?

So here I sit. Caring. Wanting to engage with others and share what is deeply meaningful to me because I believe that it is also what others seek – and cannot find. Do I believe I have the answer to their awakening? I think my answer to that one would be the question: at what logical level of thinking? Does it matter to me that they know that? What I need to do is keep living what I teach others. What matters is for me to BE … to allow… and to have my very life be an invitation…to whom? For what? I’m not really sure….

And then, let the chips fall where they may.

Breathing is good….

…